Holding the stuff that has no words

Taking inventory of the losses in my life, I realized I had a pattern of numbing. Getting into my body would be tough but I was ready. I needed to stop talking, stop thinking, I needed to let some of this grief out.

I finally felt ready to go through the pain to experience the healing.

But I had no idea where to begin. Knocking down those deep rooted beliefs, these walls within myself was hard - almost impossible. I couldn’t get my brain to stop, it would just think, think, rationalize and repress. I would tell myself that crying was okay, but how do I tell my heart? How do I tap into something that I had pushed so deep down and ignored all these years, that it’s okay to come out? How did I give my body permission, let  the inner child know that she was safe now and I would listen, people would listen.

So I did something I used to do in my teen years. I turned on some music and just let my body be. I closed my eyes and listened, really listened to the words. And the songs that talked about loss, mothers, pain, and abandonment, those finally freed me to stop thinking and start feeling.

And the crying was so powerful, it hurt, but oh it hurt so good. I finally was able to tap into something that was hidden for so long.

Learning about trauma and preverbal trauma, I started to become aware that my mind, my heart, my being did things to survive. Little Maria, took care of me the best way she knew how.  She was able to tuck the pain away until I was strong enough to hold it.

My healing journey began by changing my self talk. The adult me was able to give myself love, kindness, permission to cry, to be angry and to sit with all of it. The stuff that had words and the stuff that had no words.

I no longer felt shame for having feelings and I felt free to express whatever feeling I wanted. I knew that the people who loved me would accept me and love me for who I was. I no longer needed to hide and my child self had her voice back.

For me, the self talk was the first step and next was the grief work. And it is work!

Normalizing grief and the expression of grief in my life and my families life is the beginning of breaking generational trauma.

*Mary Luz was my birth name before being changed to Maria for my adoption